Words of advice from Sayuri!

An early christmas present in the form of awesome advice!Sayuri is boss! Do what she says! ;)Sayuri is boss! Do what she says! ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHY AM I LONELY IN MY MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP?

The holidays are upon us and for the majority of us it is a time of joy, happiness, excitement, busyness, stress, and  a time when we anticipate miracles.  But for some of us, it is a time of loneliness, sadness and feelings of isolation and depression.

Being lonely is not only because one is single.  There are countless people in marriages and couples relationships who feel lonely and isolated daily.  Statistics show that this feeling of isolation in marriages contributes to  the ever increasing amount of divorce rampant in the world today.

First, let’s define the word lonely:  Vocabulary.com defines the word lonely as:  “If being alone makes you sad, that’s one definition of lonely; the depressing feeling you get when no one else is around. “  Urban Dictionary defines the word lonely as:  “A feeling that is indescribable to those who have NOT felt it,  and needs no description to those who have.  That desolate feeling of being left out, left behind, and being all alone forever.”

According to a recent study from the University of Wisconsin-Madison that was published in the Journal of Psychophysiology – marriage can be one of the largest sources of social stress.  When expectations are not met within the union, it can lead to depression, resentment and loneliness.”  (Quoted from:  GalTime.com by Katie Parsons:  an Huffington Post article).

Upon doing much research on this topic, I discovered the following reasons why certain individuals in marriage/relationships become lonely:

  1.  According to Wendy Walsh, Ph.D, relationship expert and author of “The 30-Day Love Detox”:  “Partners no longer court each other or exchange the care that they did in the early days and they become more concerned with selfish interests.”
  2. Not communicating effectively (and the key word here is:  effective:  as I have mentioned in all of my previous Dear Sayuri articles) with each other in any type of relationship can lead to loneliness.
  3. There are other key factors as well which affect some individuals in marriages/relationships with loneliness:  for example:  Having children, one partner being a primary care giver to an  elderly parent, or a partner who focuses and spends much time on his/her career. 

Dr. Walsh offers these 3 tips to help you start repairing your marriage/relationship:

  1.  Find the source of your loneliness.  Take some time to figure out why you feel the way you do. Address why you have the feeling of loneliness, isolation and abandonment.
  2. Avoid blaming your partner (or yourself):  As I have always mentioned in my previous articles, EFFECTIVE communication is the key to all successful relationships.  This effective communication must result in  both partners agreeing to a solution for an  issue or problem affecting their relationship in a very negative way.  For example:  If there is something that your partner consistently does that annoys/irritates/angers you:  discuss it with your partner immediately and not keep your feelings bottled up inside of you thinking your partner can figure out why you are perturbed at him/her.  No one is a mind reader.  Remaining silent and keeping these negative feelings bottled up inside of you will cause more dissension and will escalate your loneliness and possibly or will eventually lead to  separation.  My personal motto in life dealing with problems/issues in a marriage/relationship is to: nip it in the bud.  Discuss the problems at hand calmly with your partner and find an immediate solution that both of you agree upon.  Then both of you can move forward in a most positive way.
  3. Do not rely on your partner for everything.  Dr. Walsh says:  “If you expect your partner to fill all the roles of best friend, emotional confidant, lover, domestic partner, co-parent (if you have children), and your primary intellectual stimulant, you might or will always feel a little disappointed.”  Therefore, stop relying on your partner to fulfill all of your needs, but instead find some platonic friends to fulfill some of them.  This way it will release the tremendous pressure you have placed on your partner and it will decrease your disappointment and increase your self-esteem.  Makes sense right?

In conclusion, I would like to say:  We all sometimes have feelings of loneliness during certain phases of our lives.  For me, I believe that whenever you feel loneliness creeping into your life----try to get the focus off of yourself and instead, look for ways to help others:   whether it is volunteering in your local community:  delivering meals for seniors living alone in their homes, helping out at homeless shelters or volunteering at an animal shelter or volunteering your time reading to school aged children or tutoring children.  There are so many ways one can help others in your community and you will definitely discover that the rewards are priceless.  Try it!

I hope all of the above information is helpful to combat loneliness in your marriage/relationship.  So, until the next time:  keep smiling, keep dancing, keep meeting peoples on Smeet and keep falling in love over and over again.  If you see me around on Smeet, please do not hesitate to say “hi” and if you have a relationship question, please message me in private and I will be sure to answer it in my relationship column.  Happy Smeeting and always remember to love one another.  For God is love and love conquers all evil.   Merry Blessed Christmas to all of you!

SAYURI, EN Smeet Journalist, ID #13520497